SCAD Professor Shares Tips for Teaching without Sleep

“Sleep is such a 20th century idea,” claims Jonathan Suckitup, Professor of Photography at the Savannah College of Art and Design. And, with a teaching load of seven courses at both the graduate and undergraduate levels, he should know.

“I used to think that I was just out of shape or iron deficient because I tended to get tired around Wednesday afternoon,” Suckitup recalls. “And true, I was teaching from noon to 10 PM every night, advising thesis projects, and sitting on several Committees for the Advancement of SCAD…but that’s no excuse.”

Professor Suckitup’s plucky attitude is increasingly necessary at this immense arts university spread over scores of tax-exempt commercial real estate holdings in Savannah. As a not-for-profit university, SCAD’s lean budget precludes the opportunity to offer faculty tenure or to allow them to unionize. With the occasional prospect of bankruptcy, the university must rely on multi-million dollar corporate donations, exorbitant tuition costs, and a sleep-deprived faculty just to pay the competitive salaries of its president, Dear Leader, her hand-picked cadre of administrators, and the flight crews of its corporate jet.

Fortunately, SCAD’s younger professors are discovering how self-tailored cocktails of amphetamines, when combined with gingko-rich energy drinks, can keep one awake for an entire week. “By being on-task 24/7, I have just about enough time to meet my teaching and committee requirements,” Suckitup says of his heightened efficiency.

SCAD’s newly-appointed Chief Financial Officer, The Mad Turk, is pleased with the progress that the faculty is making in adding to the bottom line. “The SCAD brand promise is all about the students,” he says. “We want to give them as much faculty face time as possible.” He explains further that even if  staying awake for weeks might pose long-term health effects for faculty, “we really have to live in the present…and 24/7 teaching is helping our students right now. It’s also a good strategy for faculty who hope to get their annual contracts renewed because, at SCAD, we believe in job security.”

Still, in this sultry, moss-draped city, there have been whispers of high-speed late night driving by adrenalized professors and the occasional crash up caused by educators falling asleep at the wheel. “Oh yes, don’t we have a dedicated faculty!” remarks Hyacinth Bucket, SCAD’s Director of Public Relations, when asked about the car wreck rumors. “They’re just top drawer…and they want to stay that way so they can stay at SCAD.”

Dear Leader spoke to the “sleep-deprivation” issue from her porch in the Landings, “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on SCADSECRETS.com are parodies.  All content on SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a university of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

Mass Exodus of Administration Continues

Over burdened and under staffed as SCAD administration exodus continues with no end in sight. Pauline Pocket Rocket takes a much deserved nap.

SCAD Secrets has just learned that VP, Pauline Pocket-Rocket, has taken on a few more titles this week. Add to Vice President, (1) Dean of the School of Communicating and What-Not, (2) Chair of the Pretty Pictures and Type Department and… (just today!) (3) Chair of [withheld till confirmed] Department.

Word on the street is that the current Chair of [withheld till confirmed] resigned (we are told) in unconfirmed (protest?!). All this activity begs the question, has anyone called SACS? What exactly is SACS Accreditation’s policy on one person holding four high level administrative positions?

Sources close to our Dear Leader are confident that order will be restored by any means necessary and the university is not in danger of losing its accreditation.

From her porch at the Landings Dear Leader spoke to a growing group of frightened SCAD faculty members by reassuring them that “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a university of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way

SCAD Announces Immense Tomb Design for Dear Leader

Spread across a portfolio of real estate investments in Savannah, Georgia and around the world, the not-for-profit art school Savannah College of Art and Design announced today the design of a 3,000 foot high granite sphere to house the future remains of its beloved leader. “As the Founder and Discover of SCADentology, Dear Leader is one of the greatest women of the last millennium,” observed Hyacinth Bucket, SCAD’s director of public relations. “It only makes sense that her archives and remains should be en-sphered for eternity.”

To be built in the center of Savannah’s Forsythe Park, the Cenotaph for Dear Leader will be one of the tallest and roundest structures in the world. Though unprecedented in cost and scale, such visionary plans are not unusual for SCAD—long recognized for its clever marketing, hip facilities, and the multi-million dollar salary of its president—whom staff and students affectionately (and under orders) refer to as “Dear Leader.”

Dear Leader’s proposed tomb design at night

Known for her modesty, Dear Leader commands a pedagogic empire that, if a country itself, would foster a GDP at #11 in the world. “And, we are going to spend just six months of profits to built a monument to our Dear Leader that will last forever,” SCAD’s new Dean of Building Arts Peter Humpnstump observed during the formal unveiling of the design. “She may be a small woman, but her legacy is great,” he added.

Proposed Plan for Dear Leader’s Tomb

Some local historic preservationists objected to the erasure of the revered Forsythe Park by the construction of what one critic called “a giant cue ball.” SCAD’s powerful legal, security, and public relations teams quickly swung into action to restore town-grown harmony and overall fundraising. Opponents of the project did not respond to reporters’ phone calls. Nor, reportedly, have they been seen by their co-workers, friends and families for several weeks.

Dear Leader spoke to the ‘Disappearance’ issue from her porch in the Landings, “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on SCADSECRETS.com are parodies.  All content on SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

SCAD to Replace Security Guards with Psychics!

Today SCAD leadership made the bold and ‘out-of-the-box’ cost-cutting moves that it is known for.Under the marching orders of Dear Leader’s new Austerity Initiative, SCAD announced today that is will replace its security force with psychics.

Kojak, head of SCAD security, announced the bold initiative from his office atop the emerald city stating, “Today SCAD boldly moves into the 13th century—by introducing the element of magic into our comprehensive security and emergency preparedness program.” The plan, according to inside sources, relies on the psychics ability to ‘sense’ danger before it happens—allowing SCAD to proactively address any potential threat, both foreign and domestic to its bottom line.

Wall street analysts are impressed as demonstrated by the sudden rise in SCADINC’s stock prices. Psychics will cost SCAD between $5-$10 per ‘building reading,’  which is a huge cost savings for the

SCAD security: Psychics!
Melba Milktoast reports to work at SCAD’s Gulfstream building to asses threat level.

institution compared to hiring a full-time security guard  which would run the institution an estimated $250 a day. The use of  psychics also allows SCAD to avoid paying additional employee costs like healthcare and retirement benefits (at an estimated annual savings to the university of over $110,000).

The Mad Turk is credited with coming up with the new cost saving scheme. “The initial idea of using psychics came to me while watching the movie ‘The Men Who Stare at Goats,’” the Mad Turk told SCAD Secrets, “Like all my brilliant managerial decisions, I was inspired while watching television.”

The Mad Turk is making quite a name for himself on the SCAD campus as a decisive, bold leader who is not afraid to try new approaches in educational management. Insiders say that the secret to SCAD’s administrative prowess is the current administration’s utter lack of educational administrative degrees. “SCAD’s administration can make these bold moves,” says analyst Robert Reportio of the Carnegie Institute, “Because they are not burdened by years of higher education management experience, or by any higher education degrees in business or educational administration.”

The Mad Turk explained to SCAD Secrets where his decision-making expertise comes form saying, “It comes from my gut,” said the Mad Turk pointing to his belly, “my gut is my guide.”

The introduction of psychic security guards is just one of the Mad Turks many institutional improvements. Other security improvements include: (1) Replacing full-time security guards during school hours with ESL students at heavily trafficked building during school hours, and; (2) Doing away with any security from 7am-5pm in SCAD buildings located in ‘safe’ neighborhoods.

SCAD Psychic Security Force

Total saving costs were not available at press time, but are estimated to save SCAD well over $58,000 per quarter.

Dear Leader is pleased by the new cost savings and security updates and addressed the media from her porch at the Landings stating: “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a university of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way

Leon Talley makes Bold Move to become Dear Leader’s New Beard!

Mr. Talley was seen skywriting “Surrender Dorothy” high above Magnolia House

The Savannah Munchkins awoke this morning to a startling sight as fashion legend Leon Talley took to the skies in an effort to become Dear Leader’s new beard. At 6 am this morning Mr. Talley was seen skywriting “Surrender Dorothy” high above Magnolia House where Dear Leader and her special ‘friend’ have been holding out.

As all Savannah Munchkins know, our Dear Leader hand picks her beards, so Mr. Talley’s bold proactive move has shocked those close to the Dear Leader. “We couldn’t possibly comment,” said Hyacinth Bucket, Director of SCAD Public Relations, “Our Dear Leader will let us know what this means in due time.”

Glen Angora, Dear Leader’s Current Beard

Dear Leader’s current beard, Glen Angora, was hand-picked by Dear Leader while he was a student at SCAD. Since then, Mr. Angora has enjoyed a comfortable reign alongside Dear Leader and is rumored to be the Dear Leader’s most trusted confidant. Persons within the Dear Leaders inner sanctum spoke to SCAD Secrets only after we guaranteed their anonymity saying that they doubt Mr. Talley’s actions will unseat Mr. Angora’s current position.

We will continue to follow this developing story.

Dear Leader was unavailable for comment on this story, but did address concerns regarding Mr. Angora’s role within SCAD from her porch at the Landings stating: “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a university of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way

What does $5,473,812 in legal fees buy you?

SCAD 2010 IRS form 990
SCAD 2010 IRS form 990

According to IRS form 990 (2010 tax year), SCAD paid over 5 million (USD) in legal fees. What is going on here? Our crack team of investigative reporters are on the case. We suspect that perhaps the legal bills relate to activity in Hong Kong. Hyacinth Bucket, SCAD’s newly appointed director of public relations, told SCAD Secrets “We are currently reviewing some rather lovely travel brochures from the QEII and as such do not have the time to comment on such a frivolous matters.”

SCAD Director of Public Relations, Hyacinth Bucket

We at SCAD Secrets were curious how much money other privately held art schools spend on their lawyers, so we headed over to www.Guidestar.com and ran a quick search (it is a free service). RISD spent around 800k on construction, 300k on computer services and 500k on financial services, MICA spent 2 million on food service (boy do MICA students eat a ton!). Bottom line, neither school spent enough on legal fees to list them on the IRS 990 form. 

Take a look for yourself at www.guidestar.com,who said tax returns were not fun to read—especially when they are not yours!

Dear Leader addressed concerns over the release of SCAD’s tax returns from her porch at the Landings stating: “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a university of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way

RISD 2010 IRS 990 Form
MICA 2010 IRS 990 FORM

Dear Leader Makes Rare Appearance at Student Ambassador Meeting.

Dear Leader took time out of her busy schedule to congratulate and pose with the latest group of SCAD Student Ambassadors. Penny Flatbottom, Director of the SCAD Student Ambassador program in Savannah said “It is a rare honor for these students to be in such close proximity to Dear Leader, but this just shows how important we feel they are to raising our admissions numbers.”

Tina Smallvoice, a newly minted SCAD Student Ambassador was excited by the opportunities provide her as a SCAD Student Ambassador. “It will look really great on my resume” Smallvoice said, “this is just the kind of experience future employers are looking for.”

Resume building is not the only perk of being a SCAD Student Ambassador, “I am also an important and respected member of the admissions team,” Smallvoice added, “Its a huge responsibility.”

Dear Leader addressed the importance of the SCAD Student Ambassador program from her porch at the Landings stating: “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a university of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

Going the Extra Mile: A New Extra Help Initiative at SCAD

In an effort to provide a more interesting and visually stimulating backdrop for weekend campus tours, Passme Spliff, Dean of the School of Fine Arts introduced SCAD’s new ‘Extended Classroom’ initiative—Friday-Sunday Extra help marathons. “Our campus tours are just not interesting when there are no classes going on over the weekends,” Dean Spliff said, “and honestly, twenty contact hours per week does not reflect going that ‘extra mile’ for our students.”

SCAD faculty in every school will now be expected to take turns holding ‘extra help’ sessions from Friday-Sundays. “We are a student centered institution,” explained Dean Spliff, “But we can’t be student centered without more students—staging a stimulating backdrop for campus tours is a key element in attracting more students.”

Dear Leader addressed the new ‘Extended Classroom’ Initiative from her porch at the Landings and had this to say about the new initiative: “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a university of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

SCAD: MFA is the new MBA

The MFA is the new MBA, or so says Fast Company, America’s best known and most respected higher education publication. SCAD’s crack team of business entrepreneurs is busily developing the next ‘MBA/MFA’ program exclusively for corporate executives. No word yet on its official name, but SCAD Secrets has heard from an unnamed source that it’s working name is ‘CRASS’ (Creative Resourceful Artistic Sensible Sagacity).

The SCAD CRASS MFA will take four days to complete and the course work will be designed with the busy corporate executive in mind. “There won’t be a lot of reading,” Said SCAD Institutional Quality Director, Sally Worth, “We find that reading just takes up too much time, so we will provide our executive students with audio summaries of all our material.”

Our Dear Leader is rumored to have taken the lead in the new program’s development by drawing on her extensive experience as a kindergarten teacher.

“Executives are a lot like 5 year olds,” says Ms. Marple, SCAD Director of New Opportunities and personal secretary to the Dear Leader, “So it makes sense that our Dear Leader should have her little fingers all over this project.”

When asked what distinguishes the SCAD MFA for executives from similar programs, Ms. Marple replied, “that’s simple: SCAD will provide individual attention in a positively oriented university environment… and we will provide them with lunch.”

The new degree program is slated to launch in Spring quarter of 2013. SCAD is keeping its initial enrollment numbers secret, as well as the names of the faculty who will be teaching in the program.

Professor Karl Komptant, SCAD design school’s elder statesmen appeared to be the most likely candidate to lead the new degree program. Professor Komptant  is well respect in his field, he has written numerous books on the topic, and he is a highly sought after speaker and expert in the field of ‘design thinking.’  However, in a shocking move, the Mad Turk nixed Professor Komtant’s roll in the program justifying his decision by stating: “Corporate executives don’t want to be taught creativity by an old guy, it’s… well, gross.”

Dear Leader held a press conference from her porch in the Landings and had this to say about the new Executive MFA program: “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

SCAD Secrets will continue to follow this story as further developments occur. We wish professor Komptant the best of luck.

All stories on SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated

CLC: There’s Gold in Them Thar Hills

Its a simple concept, and one that Ayn Rand’s would approve of, it is called Collaborative Learning, and its the brightest star in town at SCAD.  Collaborative Learning consists of private industry proposing a project,and paying SCAD to implement the key components of the project while the SCAD students pay SCAD for the privilege of working on it.

Private industry executive Jesus Henry Christo (JHC) of  the Christian fast food chain, Yard Bird FIll-e-tte, told SCAD Secrets that “the  process has strengthened (the) students understanding of our industry, our belief system, lifestyle choices and prayers, and (the students) appreciate the experience all the more because they paid for it.”  When asked if his company was planning on hiring any SCAD students who worked on the project, JHC was quick to answer “If they are straight and married—heck yes.”

Students paying for the privilege of working on a project seems to be the recipe of SCAD institutional success.  “We find students are clamoring to be included in these joint ventures” says Where’s Waldo, newly appointed Director of the Collaborative Learning Center, “The students pay $3,000 each, and the clients pays us for the work the students produce—it’s a win win for us, and the students get a lovely portfolio piece they might be able to use after their non-disclosure agreements have expired.”

Each quarter Where’s Waldo visits classrooms to offer invitations to students to join the CLC for a ritual ‘unveiling’ of next quarter’s CLC projects. “You have to stage an event to create some buzz and competition among the student body” Waldo said to SCAD Secrets, “You have to make it sound exclusive, otherwise why would students pay $3,000 to work on the project?”

SCAD’s commitment to collaborative projects has brought in more than money for the small southern art school,  just last month Yard Bird FIll-e-tte announced that in exchange for student participation in this years collaboration project, Yard Bird FIll-e-tte will assume all food service contracts for SCAD student housing for one year.  MMMMMM, deep fried yard bird for breakfast, lunch and dinner— the eating’s good at Savannah College of Art and Design.

Dear Leader spoke about her commitment to providing collaborative learning experiences for SCAD students from her porch in the Landings by stating, “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on SCADSECRETS.com are parodies.  All content on SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

 

 

 

SCAD Unveils Bold Graduate Admissions Initiative


In an effort to significantly increase enrollment in their graduate programs, SCAD announced today that it will replace faculty reviews of graduate applications with a room filled with an infinite number of monkeys.
“Mathematics is far more efficient and reliable than old fashion professional judgement” said Admissions Director, Dr. Septimus Pretorius, “We look forward to seeing our graduate numbers increase three-fold over the next two quarters, It’s an exciting time for admissions.”
The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare.
Critics of the new graduate admissions process were busy revising their resumes and were not available for comment.

Dear Leader seemed pleased with the new graduate school admissions scheme commenting from her porch in the Landings, “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on SCADSECRETS.com are parodies.  All content on SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a university of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

SCAD to Dismisses Faculty in Effort to Create More ‘Whitespace’

Photo Credit: Sean Pavone (www.Shutterstock.com)

Designers use whitespace to create a feeling of sophistication and elegance for upscale brands. In an effort to capture the profits of an upscale brand, Dear Leader and her trusted advisor and confidant, the Mad Turk, have declared a ‘war against clutter’ on every SCAD campus—from the swamps of Savannah to the shores of Hong Kong. The first order of business will be to eliminate all unnecessary faculty and replace them with whitespace.

“Whitespace is a fundamental element of design for good reason” said the Mad Turk, “Used well it can transform a design and provide it with many benefits.”  SCAD has seen first hand the benefits of whitespace last year when it raised the student/professor ratio from 15:1 to 20:1.   In the interest of brevity, SCAD has rounded the student -to-professor ratio to 8:1 in their current marketing materials—”8:1 is just an easier ratio to typeset” said Miss Jane Hathaway, Director of SCAD Inc. marketing.

With an average class size of 20 students who meet twice a week for 2.5 hours, SCAD students are given at most a generous 15 minutes per week with their professors for the bargain basement  price of $3,000 a course.   “$150 for 15 minutes of one-on-one time with your professor is what makes our programs special” said Miss Hathaway, Director of marketing, “If one where to spend that kind of time with a NYC lawyer, one would expect to pay much more than that.”

Buoyed from their success in requiring faculty to teach four classes per quarter, SCAD administration realized how much more they can make by adding another course onto faculties schedule.  Rumor has it that the 2013-2014 faculty contracts are being revised to encourage even more white space. The proposed cornerstone of SCAD’s new Whitespace Initiative will be to raise the faculty course load to five courses per quarter from the current (and very cluttered) four courses per quarter.

“The content is the same on both designs,” said The Mad Turk noting the benefits of a slimmer faculty body, “Yet the two designs stand at opposite ends of the brand spectrum. Less whitespace = cheap; more whitespace = luxury.”  From what this reporter has heard, SCAD is hauling ass to be world class—can you say  the Tiffany & Co. of art schools?

Dear Leader spoke to the issue from her porch in the Landings, “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on SCADSECRETS.com are parodies.  All content on SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.