All posts by Gadfly

Ferdinand Gadfly is a confirmed bachelor and an active reader of victorian novellas. He is a lover of small animals and long walks in the country. His most prized possession is his oak walking cane which never leaves his side. His friends are kind enough to tell him stories which he, in turn will tell to you

What to do when People Say False Things: Tips for Life from Dear Leader and Dr.Phil

Every TV in Key Hall was reserved to tape Dear Leader’s show

“People who dare to change the world are often subject to unfair attack” observes the celebrated TV host and guru Dr. Phil on a recent show.

“And I should know,” he adds. “It’s been happening to me for years and it’s been happening to my dear friend, Dear Leader. Perhaps it’s jealousy of our magnificent successes, perhaps its simple fear. But falsehoods happen.”

SCAD’s Dear Leader has generously worked with Dr. Phil to develop a series of lessons for all people who are victims of unfair accusations. As the Founder of SCADentology™, the transformative approach to life and wealth that she discovered many years ago while on a meditation retreat in France, Dear Leader has helped her friend Dr. Phil through the trials and tribulations of his own growing wealth and TV stardom.

“They’re on the phone practically every other day,” says the Mad Turk, SCAD’s Chief Financial Officer. “She has her staff tape Dr. Phil’s show every morning so that she can give him constructive criticism.”

Recently, with a rising tide of bizarre and unfounded SCAD “Secrets” appearing in the blogosphere, Dear Leader decided that it was time that she and Dr. Phil shared their wisdom for all.

False accusations and gossip by jealous friends, enemies, and mentally-disturbed former SCAD administrators can destroy lives, even if the accused is innocent.

Dr. Phil and Dear Leader offer the following advice to take your power back:

Life Law #1: When Your Power is Questioned:

Accept that there is no way you can erase what has happened. The situation is real. You need to get out of denial about that in order to deal with it in the here and now.

Watch your catastrophic language. If you keep screaming out in your office things like:

This is “horrible! How are they getting this information? Where is the leak? and the classic, “Somebody is feeding them!”—you only add to your stress and empower your enemies.

Remember that you are truly Good. Only a Leader who is visibly angry and seems caught with her pants down is genuinely “weak”.  Perhaps your own situation isn’t as tragic as it seems. Change your internal dialogue.

Only after you have calmed down are you ready to take action.  Summon your lawyers to frighten, intimidate, and interrogate your staff. Hire consultants to interrogate former faculty and staff about those unfair leaks.  Get out your enemies list, that is what it is there for

Simple steps like this will make you will feel much better. But you have to own the situation. You can’t always control how you feel, especially when falsely attacked. But you can control your actions.

Life Law #2: You Create Your Own Experience

Look inward—the first person you’ve got to repair your reputation with is you. Are you a bad person? Are you a bad citizen? Do you hurt people? Do you commit crimes?

Of course not!

Stop feeling guilty and being angry with yourself. Own your behavior, forgive yourself and don’t continue to beat yourself up.  You are, after all the Leader, the one in charge. The world should be thankful to you, not the other way around.

Now it is time to focus on your inner circle. Start your interrogations with your family, close friends and neighbors. Make sure that they know who is in charge. When your inner circle knows who holds all the cards, they will go out into the world with your truth; and it will create a ripple effect of fear among the cattle.

Life Law #3: You Teach People How to Treat You

Dr. Phil and Dear Leader agree on this simple maxim:

If you walk into the world and you’re civil, modest and forward thinking—if you kind of don’t want to abuse your position and you are fair, then people will treat you that way.

You’ve got to decide, am I in charge or not? Have I owned my bad decision or the misguided anger that someone holds against me?  Once you can answer these questions, you’re ready to shout out: “I am not going to hang my head in shame!”

That’s the fundamental way for you to get through this. You have to be your own best friend; and you have to decide who you are at the core. Then you will teach people how to treat you.

Life Law #4: Petty Workplace Temper Tantrums Diminish your Allure

Don’t fall into the trap of acting out with non-directional frustration, of screaming, accusing, and threatening others when things seem to leak out from the office. It makes you look silly and petty. Who knows where the leaks are coming from?

Maybe people are just making them up, posting them on the Internet, and accidentally hitting the truth sometimes. Maybe, it’s all an illusion and you’re just over-wrought.

So calm down! Meditate. Hug your dog. Walk barefoot in the grass.

Leaks and tantrums and office stress and more tantrums can become a deadly cycle. Nip it in the bud!

Remember that the enemy isn’t your loved ones and devoted co-workers; it’s the outside world. So why put on a happy face for the public and a mean one for those you love the most?

 

From her porch at The Landings, Dear Leader expressed her favorite way to create her own experience and begin to forgive herself by stating: “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies.  All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

Dear Tik Biography Excerpts: PART TWO

John Paul Rowan SCAD
Tik and Kim Jul Tik celebrate the opening of the SCAD Equestrian Center

A Professor’s Memories of Tik Continued

In this second installment of a two-part story, we learn how Dear Tik helped to transform Chick-fil-A and SCAD into world-class brands

Once known in college as “J. P.”—SCAD’s Vice President for Institutional Advancement, Dear Tik can be “forever proud that he helped his mother and sister to move into a modern home with running water.”

So claims David Tennedide in his memoir Oh Moon of Alabama—Tales from an Academic Backwater. Recalling his decades of business teaching at the University of Alabama- Wood-fuc-a-chuck, Tennedide’s new book offers profound insights into how his young advisee, J.P. Tik grew into one of the world’s leaders in for-profit arts education.

Although a quiet and mediocre student in terms of grades and attendance, J. P. “was simply the most brilliant and insightful student I had in thirty years,” Tennedide writes. “He could speak with the southern clarity and force of a Bill Clinton to argue the opposite side of politics—that the poor got that way because they are lazy, that the lavish display of wealth is good, and that colleges should be run as for-profit family businesses in the guise of non-profit tax charities.”

Tennedide knew even then, that this diminutive kid in a Stetson hat would go on to do great things:

“Partnering with many of Wood-fuc-a-chuck’s wealthy business majors, J. P. brought the high-society glamour of polo to a campus where many students struggled to read at an eighth-grade level. He energized his wealthy peers to pool their parents’ money to take over businesses. And, he did much of this remotely from the porch of his mother ramshackle attic in a poor Georgia hamlet called ‘the Landings’.”

But, what Tennedide recalls with the greatest depth is what young Dear Tik did after business school. Most notable is his leadership in creating the Chucklet Capitol Fund with wealthy classmates to buy out and outsource companies. They began by finding small hippy operations with the seed of a business concept and moved them far to the right and into profit.

Most notable is the rebirth of Chick-fil-A, once an organic chicken stand in Middlebury, Vermont that Tik and Chucklet bought outright and transformed into a leader in drive-thru processed chicken and Right Wing political causes.

As the chicken chain grew into a global brand, Tik went on to lead Chucklet Capitol in the dissolution of regional manufacturers of paper, airplane parts, and durable goods across the country. “There is a difference between outsourcing and off-shoring,” he once explained to liberal critics who questioned the shipment of thousands of jobs to Malaysia and other developing economies.

By the time that the ravages of Chucklet’s investments hit the American economy, Tik had left the company to serve as Vice President for Institutional Advancement and Director of the Hong Kong campus for his mother’s grand vision: the Savannah College of Art and Design.

Though, today’s gold standard for couture arts education and the world’s most profitable university, SCAD was not always that way.

In many ways, Tik came to SCAD’s rescue just in time. By joining his mother, known affectionately and by mandate as “Dear Leader”, Tik enacted a series of real estate transactions, leveraged buyouts of lesser art schools, and the threat of outsourcing faculty positions to remote sites in Malaysia that transformed SCAD into a powerhouse of profit.

With SCAD’s growth in the late 1990s, Tik’s diminutive mother, Dear Leader, who founded the college almost entirely on her own while raising young Tik and his sister Kim Jul Tik in an attic, was finally able to move into a house with a real front door and running water.

Tik leveraged his connections to Chucklet Capitol to fuel SCAD’s investment in a new Center for Equestrian Studies to be run by his English-educated sister, Kim Jul. It would become the nation’s only horse farm owned and run by an arts school.

At the Equestrian Center’s opening in 2000, young Kim Jul Tik observed:

Standing here with my dear mother, our Dear Leader and my dear brother, Dear Tik, I am grateful to serve as the Center’s new director while earning the same kind of modest teacher’s salaries that they have always earned. We as a family could have pursued more enriching careers but for us and for SCAD, it’s always been about the students.

Paula Wallace SCAD Master Bull Wrangler and Fasionista
Dear leader: Master Bull Wrangler

With their well-known familial talents, the Tiks continue to personally teach many of SCAD’s most popular equestrian courses. Kim Jul offers English riding and fashion instruction, Dear Tik, consummate southern gentleman and founder of the popular website, RhettButler.com, teaches the pony carriage arts, and their mother, Dear Leader, a master in all arts, Western cattle roping.

Notwithstanding the horse center’s success and SCAD’s fame for its merit-based hiring practices, there remain a few dark clouds on its horizon. Over the last several years, Tennedide recounts in his memoir how Dear Tik and his mother have struggled with pampered faculty seeking to unionize and their complaints about ever-increasing classroom schedules. There has also been the occasional threat of disaffected and mentally disturbed former administrators impugning the SCAD vision in publications and on the Internet.

Elevating SCAD almost to a business case study in his memoir, Tennedide explains how Dear Tik is applying the advanced the accounting practices that he learned in college. The memoir recounts how Tik has guided SCAD’s administrators in the tracking and an monitoring of potential “enemies”—many of whom are the mentally-disturbed former administrators who continue to propagate false SCAD “secrets” in the blogosphere.

Another recent challenge is unfounded allegations of discrimination and Homophobia at the global chicken outlet, Chick-fil-A.

Still run by many of Tik’s former classmates at Chucklet Capitol, Chick-fil-A maintains an active alliance with SCAD in which the company receives hundreds of thousands of dollars in free design advice from SCAD students who pay SCAD tuition fees for the privilege of doing so.

The recent gay “kiss-ins” in front of the very Chick-fil-A stores that SCAD students are redesigning might prove embarrassing for most universities. But not for Dear Tik and not for SCAD. “Tik just stated the obvious,” Tennedide says admiringly. “He was not working any longer for Chucklet when the chicken outfit, Chick-fil-A became bigoted. The fact that he still holds majority interest in Chucklet Capitol is only incidental.”

From their neighboring porches at The Landings, Dear Leader and her son, Dear Tik expressed their pride in SCAD’s history of corporate sponsorship.  Dear Leader encouraged all members of the SCAD community to visit Chick-fil-A. “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies.  All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

SCAD Faculty Retention Initiative: Cradle-to-Grave Benefits

Paula Wallace SCAD
Dear Leader poses with her little terra-cotta warriors

In light of the poor faculty retention rate and in an effort to make teaching at SCAD more attractive to retired professionals from up North, Dear Leader has announced a new Cradle-to-Grave benefits initiative for faculty.

On advice of celebrated management gurus Crewmen, Rizzo, Underwood and Dorfman, authors of the NYT best seller “Who split the Cheese? and other asinine business metaphors” SCAD Human Resources Department has started the process of reevaluating faculty benefits by ‘working backwards.’

“Working backwards is what sets SCAD management apart from our more highly ranked competitors up North,” chirped SCAD Human Resource director Umberto Skunkbelly, “So naturally, we started with death.” With an increased teaching load and a new student cap of 30 students per course, which will take effect for the 2013-2014 school year, SCAD Human Resources expects that many long-term faculty may expire while on their feet. “It is imperative that when faculty are teaching, their minds are on their students, and not on what is to become of them in case of expiration” Skunkbelly said, “So SCAD has decided to unburden our faculty of concerns regarding funeral arrangements so that they may concentrate on providing individual, personalized, attention to each student.”

The new benefit would provide a final resting place on a beautifully manicured lawn measuring 40 acres surrounded by mules, and will be located directly in front of our Dear Leader’s new tomb at the South end of Forsyth Park.

To ensure ample accommodations for an ever thinning faculty, SCAD has taken a cue from the East (specifically the Qin Shi Huang dynasty) by interning expired faculty standing upright in terra-cotta figurines. “As they pass, so shall they rest.” said Skunkbelly in a soft, respectful tone, “and your final resting… ehr.. standing place’ would, of course, be provided free of charge.”

From her porch in the Landings, Dear Leader encouraged all faculty to continue to teach until they expire by stating “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

SCAD Fall Quarter Faculty Pageant Buzz!

Paula Wallace Ultimate Grand Supreme SCAD
Dear Leader will present the Ultimate Grand Supreme crown to the winning department on Friday.

The quarterly faculty pageant is less than one week away and already the pageant goers are a-buzz by the front-runner, and favorite to take home the much coveted “Ultimate Grand Supreme” title… the SCAD FASHION department!

Clearly SCAD fashion has upped its game after a rather disappointing showing at the (oh-so-not-avant-guard enough for Dear Leader) fashion show last year. Lovely narratives of our student success stories in fashion will be shown to a wide-eyed, edge of the seat faculty: For example we will hear the story of  Amy Shlutschbut, color blind pattern specialist at Lilly Pulitzer, Mary Mccreedy, now the lead button faster at Tom Ford, and SCAD’s most recent graduate Samy Smitten, shoelace coordinator for the guy that knows someone who worked with Ralph Lauren.

The videos, speeches and accolades are sure to earn the fashion Department the fall quarters… Ultimate Grand Supreme title! See you all there!

Our theme this quarter is: “Building upwards with excellence!” (and porches)

Dear Tik Biography Excerpts: Oh Moon of Alabama—Tales from an Academic Backwater

John Paul Rowen SCAD
Tik as a strapping young man

Exciting New Revelations about Dear Tik’s Business Education

A recent memoir by a celebrated business professor confirms Dear Tik’s talents as a college student in rural Alabama. He was only 20 years old, yet raised by a brilliant mother in the attic of a ramshackle house in The Landings, Tik was already a luminary when in college.

David Tennedide’s new memoir: Oh Moon of Alabama—Tales from an Academic Backwater documents how the seeds of Tik’s genius proved transformative for his classmates and even his professors.

“I spent my career at the University of Alabama-Wood-chuck-a-fuc, three hours north of Montgomery and decades away from the 20th century,” the memoir begins. “When I started teaching we had neither minorities nor electricity on the campus. Today, we have electricity and, in some buildings, the Internet,”

Although students and staff at UA-Wood-chuck-a-fuc are still all white, Tennedide remembers a handful of his students who stood out for their brilliance. And here, of course, is where Dear Tik enters the story.

“Back in his student days, he went by ‘J.P.’ and wore a Stetson,” Tennedide recalls.

“I have this enduring memory of him sitting in the back of the lecture hall spitting chew into a Dr. Pepper can. In one lecture during a business ethics course, I asked how the modern corporation might help the poor to move upward in society…and from the back to the hall, I heard J.P, I mean Tik, spit loudly and exclaimed, ‘Well they could invent a cure for laziness!’”

Tennedide pauses here, becoming teary before this reporter. “And all the students laughed. I felt so humiliated. But deep down I knew Tik was right…that my elite liberal views would never solve a thing.”

That epiphany was the first time that Tennedide realized that he might just have a student star on his hands. And, as the years passed, Oh Moon of Alabama recounts how this old radical came to embrace Supply Side economics, tax cuts for the rich, and educational vouchers. All because of Tik:

I knew that my old New Deal ways had to change…that the business of business was wealth. And here was this kid…who never turned in papers, who nearly flunked out f every course he took, and whose high school transcript was missing…here was this kid who saw through everything. Was he some kind of savant? A visionary?

One day after class, as we were all walking toward the student center, I asked J. P…I mean Tik, ‘How did you ever get in here? I mean you never seem to have gotten anything more than a C….’

And in his distinct way, I saw him straighten up (the Stetson made him taller) and clear his throat.

‘Whah, professor Sir, mah Mom is a Big Wheel in the for-profit art school world. She makes big money and her university makes big money. You got a lib-er-al problem with that?’

It was obvious that he didn’t even know my name even though we were now two months into the semester. But this young man who would eventually become Dear Tik showed a confidence that was unforgettable…

Tik also stood out in the Wood-chuck-a-fuc social scene. He was a founder of the elite fraternity of business majors known as Alpha Prepo Chucklo—informally known as “the Chucklets.”

Students and faculty recall some of the hilarious hi-jinks that young Tik and his polo-playing peers brought to campus in the late 1990s.

“They refused to let any class begin without a prayer,” Tennedide writes. “And then they started to make up their own prayers usually culminating in a homily in praise of ‘wealth creators’.”

With assistance from Dear Tik’s sister, the celebrated equestrienne, Kim Jul Tik, the Chucklets imported a string of polo ponies to the main quad of the Wood-chuck-a-fuc campus. “They paid for a miniature version of Churchill Downs and surrounded the campus with white picket fences and viewing tents…. It was screamingly funny for everyone except, of course, their parents when the credit card bills showed up!” Tennedide adds.

“Imagine having a polo team on our little campus when many of our surrounding farmers still used plow horses.”

From these early days, the roguish yet refined Chucklets fanned out to create wealth for themselves and investors. Most notable is Chick-Fil-a, the highly-respected and patriotic fast food chicken chain.

“The Chucklets found a business opportunity and they ran with it,” Tennedide says of his greatest alumni success story:

They found this struggling organic chicken stand in Middlebury, Vermont that made these just delicious breaded recipes. The only problem was that the owner was an old hippie who supported a raft of liberal causes and saw himself as the next Ben & Jerry. But, by using their parents’ capital for leverage, the Chucklets were able borrow heavily, rebrand Chick-fil-a as a force for right wing Christian causes, and substitute processed chicken parts for the original organic secret recipes. The rest is history…..

Tik as a young man John Paul Rowen
Tik as a strapping young man

The Chucklets also applied lessons from their Wood-chuck-a-fuc polo team experiment to help Dear Tik’s sister, the celebrated equestrienne, Kim Jul Tik, to fund and develop a new center for the study of horses at the Savannah College of Art and Design. Although a struggling and poor art college at the time, young Tik and his fraternity mates leveraged their business training to stabilize the college and to finally move Kim Jul and Dear Tik’s mother out of the ramshackle attic in The Landings where she had raised them.

“Tik told me several years later that the proudest moment of his life was when he was able to give his humble teacher mother a home with running water,” Tennedide recounted in a recent phone interview.

 Next week, in Part Two, we will learn how Dear Tik, his sister, and their intrepid mother, Dear Leader, built SCAD into the national treasure that it is today. We will also explore how Tik’s early business school connections with Chick-fil-a became the foundation for SCAD’s powerful design alliance with this global brand.

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies.  All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

SCAD Fights Back Against Low Rankings, Sinking Admissions and the NYT!

The SCAD community is enthusiastically relieved by our Dear Leader’s modest, and eloquent response to recent reports ranking Savannah College of Art and Design (SCAD) as the university having the worst value for money in the United States. SCAD’s peers in academia have long ranked SCAD program in the lower tier (We suspect that is due in part to unfair allegations by the tenured  elite of SCAD’s abusive treatment of its faculty).

With the mid-Georgian modesty of which she is renowned, Dear Leader proposes that parents of college-age children consider loan repayment statistics when choosing a school for their children rather than peer-reviewed academic rankings. SCAD Secrets agrees that the ranking of a university’s academic program like those reported by the New York Times and other Northern publications, is passé and outdated.

With an average loan debt of between $135,000.00 and $153,000.00, SCAD graduates have risen to the challenge of making their estimated $1,325.000 a month loan payments. Dear Leader is justifiably impressed with these numbers, and here is how Dear Leader  prepares students to replay their loans.

(1) SCAD actively pursues public private partnerships. By courting employers like Chick-Fil-A, and the Candlewood Suites in Mobile Alabama, SCAD offers students the opportunity to build their portfolio and their resume.

This experience provides SCAD students a competitive advantage over competing art school graduates who spend their time in university focused primarily on developing their craft with professors who are expected and provided resources to continue their chosen areas of expertise. At SCAD it is private industry (from fast food to hotels) that provide its students the knowledge and expertise to succeed.

(2) SCAD offers opportunities for students to be photographed with Hollywood celebrities. SCAD’s annual Film Festival features as many celebrities as the SCAD entertainment budget can afford to pay. The presence of these Hollywood stars provides the SCAD film students the opportunity to be photographed with the celebrities (which looks good in one’s portfolio) as well as the opportunity to say in job interviews that the student has met the celebrity (SCAD understands the importance of name dropping in the entertainment industry).

(3) Not to be outdone by the film department, the SCAD Fashion department has handed out more ‘lifetime achievement’ awards to aging fashion designers than any other art school in the United States. These events, like the Film festival, offer students the opportunity to be photographed with the fashion industries greatest practitioners.

(4) Finally, and most importantly, Dear Leader draws our attention to the opportunities that SCAD’s unique study abroad program offers students. SCAD’s Hong Kong campus, located in the poorest district of Hong Kong, provides SCAD students the opportunity to experience first hand, what real poverty looks like. This life altering experience helps the SCAD student to appreciate what little money will be left over after paying their student loan each month.

Those who know Dear Leader know she is a modest women who does not concern herself with the minutia of academic standards and quality ensured by a solid academic ranking system. That minutia is better handled by those elitists in New York.

From her porch at The Landings, Dear Leader spoke to the importance of the SCAD community’s disregard of Northern newspapers ranking systems by saying: “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies.  All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

Dear Leader Allegedly Pens Doppelganger Novels

Dear Leader Paula Wallace pens Best Selling Book

Last week, the London Review of Books (LRB) revealed that our Dear Leader is the likely author of the celebrated series of Doppelganger novels that began with the seminal classic, Decorating the Dome. Since 1981, this legacy of inspiring novels has chronicled the challenged, yet ultimately triumphant lives of a southern family who overcame hardship to return to their aristocratic roots.

Written under the pen name, R. J. Williams, the Doppelganger series is considered by critics as one of the finest examples of Southern Gothic noir ever created. Rivaling the Harry Potter series in sales and vastly more advanced in their character development, the true creator of this oeuvre has long bedeviled literary historians who suspected authorship ranging from the late Gore Vidal to even President Obama.

But it was a placemat from the Gryphondor Tea Room at the Savannah College of Art and Design recently uncovered in the British Museum that pointed to Doppelganger’s origins in the low country of Georgia.

Researchers noted a chapter outline written in a Mont Blanc fountain pen ink that, throughout the 1980s, could only have been purchased at the Gilded Age pen shop on Madison Avenue in Manhattan’s Upper East Side. Further research pointed to Dear Leader’s secret authorship.” Literary investigators, using American Express card spending histories and, of course, the tea room name on the placemat itself, traced the elite ink buyer to a Platinum (now Black Card) holder, Dear Leader.

“I am thunderstruck by this rumor,” said Dear Tik, the son of SCAD’s Dear Leader. “But given the hopeful and artistic way that my sister and I were raised by mom in an attic of a ramshackle house at the Landings, I can believe it just might be true. My sister and I grew up on a teacher’s income but we were open to the world.”

TIK, John Paul Rowen SCAD
Tik returns to the attic he and his sister shared in the Landings

Mr. Glen Angora, a former SCAD interior design student and now a long-time ‘partner’ of Dear Leader is also a possible believer. “It is highly typical of Dear Leader to write with such brilliance and to never take the credit for herself.” Indeed, this much-honored president of the world’s largest and most profitable arts university has long been considered a pedagogical visionary who limited her writings to SCADentolology™, the mystic path to artistic success and wealth that she discovered during a meditation retreat in France during her youth.

Dear Leader has published a few popular books on the fashion industry and on the social life of southern porches. But, her purported authorship of the Doppelganger series has shaken the literary world. It is rumored that the millions of dollars in royalties have been returned directly to SCAD and its new storefront outlet brand, SCADlite™.

The SCAD administration did not respond to reporters’ phone calls concerning the authorship question. But, off the record, many top administrators were not surprised by the connection between literary genius and the modesty of anonymity—implying that they have seen such wonders from Dear Leader many times over the years.

From her porch at The Landings, Dear Leader said that she had never read the Doppelganger series but was flattered that critics might somehow connect it with her.  She encouraged all members of the SCAD community to read books. “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies.  All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

 

 

 

SCAD takes bold move to increase class size

Dear Leader is over joyed as she admires a mockup of her SHRIMP proof of concept: presented Monday in the Gulfstream building

Honey We are Shrinking the Kids! SCAD takes bold move to increase class size.

In response to the need for more classroom space generated by rising student caps, SCAD has announced its involvement in a scientific research program which tackles the issue in a non-traditional way—by dramatically reducing the physical size of the student rather than attempting to extend the space.

“It was one of the “aha” moments that we teach about in our classrooms” said Ms. Maryanne Cameltoe, director of SCAD Institutional Effectiveness, “Dear leader has, over a healthful breakfast of Low Country shrimp and grits, made a wonderful discovery.  Her vision never ceases to amaze.”.

“It’s such a flexible 21st century solution,’ enthused Iva Littlebottom, Chief Admissions Officer, about the inception of the Spatial and Human Resources Invested Miniaturization Platform, or SHRIMP for short.  The plan certainly turns the term ‘downsizing’, usually associated with the reduction of numbers, not matter, on its head; a point not lost on the diminutive Ms Littlebottom.  ‘It’s wonderfully contradictory’, she noted, ‘ by reducing the physicality of the student, we’re actually providing more space to facilitate their work, and there’s no limit on what the future holds; one existing classroom could potentially hold thousands of students, with ample space to accommodate work of all descriptions.’

Shrinking the physical size of the student, rather than increasing the size of the classroom will provide SCAD shareholders with vast profits usually invested in real estate, infrastructure and equipment.  The added benefit is in the potential for dramatic increases in future admissions intakes.  “Smaller students will translate beautifully into increased admissions.” Ms. Cameltoe squeaked “SCAD is on the cutting edge here in the low country, this plan is revolutionary.”

Ms Littlebottom admitted that the 1989 Hollywood comedy ‘Honey, I Shrunk The Kids’ provided inspiration for the initial SCAD briefing, but that other proposals were also considered.  ‘We did look at the architecture of livestock carrier ships for stowage capacity, but we felt that SHRIMP was a paradigm shift in tackling the problem.’

The proposed program, to be finalized for the 2014-2015 academic year, has reportedly incensed Faculty, who view the program as dangerous, with possible impending lawsuits directed at out of step Professors who(some fear will) accidentally crush their apprentices underfoot.

The fashion department has suggested students wear Red Hats to prevent professors from accidentally stepping on their new ‘pint sized’ students.

Such concerns were dismissed by Ms Littlebottom as overreaction; ‘It’s ridiculous, such a Yahoo response’, she said, making reference to the brutish race described in Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels.   ‘We have no intention of shrinking students to such proportions immediately.  We’d wait two quarters for everyone to acclimate to the program.  Of course the Faculty would have to initially make minor adjustments – the purchase of a magnifying glass would for instance – but we really anticipate no problems.’

Concerns about grading loads were also disregarded.  ‘I think that Faculty might be surprised to discover their loads were a great deal lighter,’ she said.  ‘They’d be able to grade at least 10 students at once.  The works will be small, and reassuringly, produced by small minds.  It’s a very efficient system on all sorts of levels; we’re definitely moving forward on this one.’

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it is not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a university of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

North Korean Pork Tenders

Sue Anne Nivens, new Dean of SCADlite

Cooking with Sue Anne

Sue Anne Nivens, noted television personality, Dean of SCADlite™, and Dear Leader’s personal chef is now a regular contributor to SCADsecrets. Thank you Sue Anne!

North Korean Pork Tenders

You’ll have your Central Committee rocking with this one pot sugary delight!

Once the Foreign Aid comes in, these tasty tenders are just the perfect famine-ender. And this is a flexible recipe too. If you run a little short on the ribs, you can always “stretch” the dish by adding more U.N. rice or a dollop of wood shavings.

Not surprisingly, this is one of our Dear Leader’s all-time favorites and is a mainstay at our SCAD receptions. It’s always party-time in Pyongyang when you set these porkies out!

 

 Six pounds pork or pork by-products

One pound Cuban sugar

One cup molasses (Chinese foreign aid variety if available)

One quarter bag of U.N. aid rice

Two cans condensed mushroom soup (US-AID variety preferred)

Vietnamese vinegar (to taste)

Jelly

Mix all ingredients in pot and cook covered over coal heat for three hours. Then add rice and mushroom soup concentrate and boil at low for an additional hour. Serve with rice beer.

Ogelthorpe House Protein Bricks

Sue Anne Nivens, new Dean of SCADlite

Cooking with Sue Anne

Sue Anne Nivens, noted television personality, Dean of SCADlite™, and Dear Leader’s personal chef is now a regular contributor to SCADsecrets. Thank you Sue Anne!

There’s no such thing as a starving art student with these protein-packed treats!
At Ogelthorpe House, SCAD’s feisty frosh work hard and play hard. And, heaven knows their creative lives  take a lot of energy! So recently I teamed up with SCAD’s food services to whip up these protein wonders that pack a punch.
Using the finest animal stock feed grains and protein powder, these fiber-filled filets are a clever substitute for meat, eggs, and vegetables in the SCAD food plan. And, by maximizing volume and minimizing menu medleys, they’re profitable too.
Not surprisingly, this is one of our Dear Leader’s all-time favorites….
(1000 servings)
500 pounds corn meal and corn meal by-products
25 pounds protein powder
45 gallons silage (liquefied corn)
55 pounds borax (for binding)
50 pounds circus peanuts and shells
sugar to taste
Mix all ingredients in trough and bake over coals for three hours or until suitably hard. Allow to cool then dump trough-shaped chunk onto wooden surface and use medium-sized chain saw to cut into bricks first cutting vertically and then horizontally.

Serve with powdered milk and water.

Tik Leads SCAD Hong Kong from The Landings

Tik (AKA John Paul Rowen) enjoys some golf while running the SCAD Hong Kong campus

Thanks to the wonders of virtual communication and SCAD’s corporate jet, Vice President Tik is able to run SCAD’s entire Hong Kong campus from a poolside command post at his Southern-Traditional home in The Landings.

As the son and Appointed Successor of our Dear Leader, we naturally expect great things from Tik. But his poolside direction of Hong Kong marks a new step in Global outreach.

“His masterful guidance of a campus half a world away should come as no surprise!” observes Sue Anne Nivens, the perky Dean of SCADlite™—SCAD’s recently launched off-the-rack outlet brand. “I’ve been to the Hong Kong campus to tape my blockbuster cooking course, Wontons for Westerners and WASPs, and I’m just so impressed by Dear Tik’s poolside leadership! You would think he actually lives there!

Following Dear Leader’s maternal precedent, Tik likes to stay close to his students. Thus, he finds that, given that none of them enrolled at the Hong Kong campus are currently from Asia, it makes more sense to stay at The Landings in Georgia.

“We learned early on that no Chinese students wanted to pay our American tuition fees when they could go to an American school in America,” Tik explained recently to shareholders. “But then, having lived near the Red Menace for so long, our Hong Kong market just never had much exposure to the brand promises of SCAD and SCADentology™. That will change.”

For now, SCAD’s Hong Kong students come from the suburbs of Atlanta and SCAD’s flagship campus in Savannah. It is these Georgians who will carry the magic of SCAD to the Far East. In the long-term, SCAD’s Manifest Destiny lies on Asian shores.  With Dear Tik’s enlightened remote direction and continuing local subsidies, SCAD Hong Kong will one day have Asian students.

Tik (AKA John Paul Rowen) tours SCAD’s empty  Hong Kong Campus to observe SCAD’s learning in action

Having lived in Hong Kong at the Peninsula Hotel for over two months when the campus opened in 2009, Dear Tik is just the man to open China for SCAD. “I guess you could say I’m an old China Hand,” he recently joked with this reporter. And, to share his insider knowledge, Tik is just putting the finishing touches on his new website. How to Be an Old China Hand, soon to be found at: www.DearTikInChina.com.

Like SCAD’s Hong Kong Campus, the new website is sure to be an instant hit with Americans, if not Asians right away. And of course, Dear Tik is writing the whole website from…you guessed it…poolside at his home in The Landings. “It just makes so much sense to stay close to our student-customers and the six wonderful golf courses that we have here on Skidaway Island,” Tik says. Indeed, this manicured gated community seems to inspire Tik’s genius because it was also at his poolside here that he wrote his original blockbuster website, How to Be a Southern Gentleman (www.RhettButler.com).

From her porch next door at The Landings, Dear Leader encouraged all members of the SCAD community to spend an academic quarter at the Hong Kong campus. “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies.  All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

SCAD Administration Brain Drain

Where is the money going? Budgets cut 30-50%, Administration resigning, Hong Kong struggling.

Top-level personnel are disappearing from the SCAD campus and the mismanagement of funds is being blamed for the exodus. From the Dear Leader’s Chief of Staff to the SCAD Corporate Counsel. Those close to the internal turmoil have suggested to SCAD Secrets that perhaps financial shenanigans masterminded by Dear Leader’s beard, Glen Angora may be the source of the mass exodus. “No one wants to get caught holding the hot potato” claims a former personal aid to our Dear Leader.

This would not be the first time that Mr. Angora has been accused of creative accounting. Not long ago SCAD Secrets readers will remember the Great Student Center —Equestrian Center debacle in which Glen Angora took the fall for misdirection’ of funds for the Student Center.

What makes the current financial crisis different is that is the cause for so many gifted administrators with institutional knowledge to resign in large numbers—leaving our Dear Leader vulnerable to what insiders call “the whims of those with little to no higher education leadership skill sets.” Critics make the point that there are only so many film professors that Dear Leader can elevate to administrative positions.

The mass exodus of professors and members of the SCAD administration have also heavily taxed the resources of SCAD’s HR department who, we are told, have more job openings than any other university in the country.

In order to provide a short-term solution to the faculty shortage, SCAD service employees are being encouraged, to take a look at SCADJOBS.COM to see if there are any additional positions they feel comfortable adding to their already busy SCAD schedules.

It is feared that with sinking enrollment numbers, and the launch of the new SCADlite™ outlet mall campuses, Dear Leader will be to distracted by internal resignations and external investigations to expertly guide the SCAD ship into safer harbors.

Dear Leader spoke to the issue of the SCAD brain drain from her porch in the Landings stating, “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

Fall Faculty Conference Speaker Announced!

The SCAD Faculty Conference is always a crowd pleaser

Jebediah Lehrer expected to address faculty during the fall quarterly faculty conference. The faculty conference is a greatly antiquated event to which all faculty are required to attend each quarter. This fall the featured speaker—Jebediah Lehrer (brother of disgraced SCAD wonder-boy Jonah Lehrer) will discuss his idea for a book, “How to be more creative on demand.” The SCAD PR department will assist Mr. Lehrer in aligning the speech to SCAD values and expectations for the quarter.
The Lehrer brothers are a perennial favorite at SCAD. Unfortunately Mr. Jonah Lehrer, has recently had some trouble with facts. Due to his exposure in falsifying quotes for his last book, he will not be asked back to speak to SCAD’s faculty.
Readers will recall that Jonah Lehrer was instrumental in Dear Leader’s recent appearance in Wired magazine. “We had to have him speak four times before we had an opening into Wired magazine—fourth time’s a charm!” said Anna Karenina, former personal assistant to our Dear Leader.
Readers of Wired were delighted to read Dear Leader’s porch comments, as well as her recipe for low country gourmet yams.
With the guest faculty conference speaker announced early this year, the only other announcement we are anxiously awaiting is ‘who will be the 2013 commencement speaker?’ The Fashion department’s money is on Cher.

Dear Leader Announces National Launch of SCADlite™

In one of her most important initiatives since the founding of the Center for Equestrian Studies, SCAD’s Dear Leader announced to investors her plan to found a new storefront brand, SCADlite™  in outlet malls across the US and Canada. Standing at her side as she announced the new school from her porch at the Landings was the Sue Anne Nivens, one of SCAD’s renowned professors, who will serve as Dean of the new cut-rate school.

Nivens’ ascent to a star professorship in Culinary Arts at SCAD began in the 1970s with her daytime cooking show—“Cooking with Sue Anne”—at WJM-TV in Minneapolis. From there, she moved on to higher education as curriculum designer for culinary arts courses at the for-profit Art Institutes International, one of SCAD’s vastly inferior imitators.

Sue Anne Nivens, new Dean of SCADlite

In 1991, she came Savannah to serve as our Dear Leader’s personal chef and Director of Special Events Catering, SCAD’s second largest department by budget, after Administration. Under her catering leadership, Nivens quickly grew celebrated for her “Minnesota Hot Dishes in all Seasons.”

The Mad Turk, SCAD’s Chief Financial Officer happily recalls his first encounter with Nivens’ hot dish wonders at one of Dear Leader’s corporate sponsorship parties at her home in the Landings. “Here it was 98 degrees with a humidity level to match and Sue Anne delivers this crock pot buffet that just blew everyone away. Who knew that a tuna-smelt fish casserole could be so amazing in the summer?”

The Mad Turk in the classroom

Dear Leader, who is a master chef herself in the culinary arts of her native central Georgia, was also suitably impressed. So impressed that she elevated Ms. Nivens to serve as the founding Dean for SCADlite. “We see her cable television products and e-learning roll-outs as the perfect model for what SCADlite can become,” Dear Leader said in her announcement.

“Sue Anne’s online cooking courses complement SCAD’s culture of popular outreach and even brings in Asians!” The Mad Turk adds. “At our Hong Kong campus, her online course, ‘Wontons for Westerners and WASPs,’ is winning over tens of thousands of new student-customers.”

The Mad Turk goes on to praise Ms. Nivens’ multi-cultural culinary range. “Her Turkish Delights and baklava amuses-bouches are a superb blending of the ancient tastes of my own country and Lutefisk. This is precisely the curricular model that we plan to achieve with SCADlite…”

SCADlite outlet mall prototype in  Athens Georgia

Creative blendings of e-learning and pre-packaged curriculum are the core promise of the new school. “SCADlite: E-Learning off the Rack” will become the new brand-identifier—quite appropriate for the learning stores’ outlet mall settings.

SCAD’s leaders believe that opening storefronts in fast-growing outlet malls will bring the magic of SCAD and a glimmer of SCADentology™ to underserved but hopeful professionals who lack the $50,000 annual costs to attend SCAD’s couture brand, The Savannah College of Art and Design

“They still have a Dream though,” Dean Nivens observes. Asked if this expansion into the outlet store market might dilute SCAD’s core brand and potential re-sale value, Nivens momentarily lapses into her hilarious television bitchiness from her days at WJM-TV. “At SCAD, it’s never been about the marketing or the money! Oh no. It’s about the learning….” And then she adds, showing her true warmth and wit,”…and I guess you could also say that it’s also about the Lutefisk….”

SCAD Lite elearning student Marsha Bittleworth and her granddaughter Sue signed up for a SCAD lite elearning program in architecture after their shopping trip at Joanne Fabrics in Mellondale California.

From her porch in the Landings, Dear Leader urged all members of the SCAD community to promote SCADlite in any way they can. “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it is not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a university of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

SCAD Accused of Theft by Catholic Church!

In a surprising reversal of roles, the Catholic church took the initiative by becoming the plaintiff in what insiders are calling the ‘battle of the century.’ The catholic church is claiming that our Dear Leader lifted the SCAD Alma Mater from the Catholic Church’s traditional hymn “For All the Saints.”

Those familiar with SCAD’s Alma Mater are acutely aware that it was divinely inspired while Dear Leader was sitting under her porch in the Landings and that the Dear Leader’s natural musical ability makes any ‘lifting’ of other’s work unnecessary.

“The accusation is outrageous! Dear Leader has never lifted anything in her life,” Said  Hyacinth Bucket, SCAD Director of Public Relations, “Any suggestion to the contrary is slander, libel, blasphemy —pure and simple!”

Hyacinth Bucket, SCAD Director of Public Relations
Hyacinth Bucket, SCAD Director of Public Relations

We at SCAD Secrets will let the ears of our informed readers  be the judge:
SCAD Alma Mater Here | For all the Saint Here
[YOUTUBE id=”JyrS-IwQAWc” width=”120″ height=”100″][YOUTUBE id=”yGBrq-C5VYE” width=”120″ height=”100″]

Critics of Dear Leader were unavailable for comment as they have already been ‘thanked for their service’ and summarily dismissed. Scad Secrets see little similarity  between the two songs and wishes  Dear Leader success in this nuisance  lawsuit by a bully-church.

Dear Leader did not address the accusation of ‘lifting’ directly, but did speak to the importance of music on the SCAD campus from her porch in the Landings stating, “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it is not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a university of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

SCAD to eliminate sculpture for being too “Twelfth Century”

Passme Spliff, Dean of the School of Fine Arts announced today that the SCAD sculpture department will be slowly phased out due to its poor integration into the e-learning campus. “We really have to start thinking 21 century,” Dean Passme Spliff said “Sculpture is just so twelfth century.”

Persons close to Dear Leader told SCAD Secrets that the sculpture department was on the chopping block because the department has not yet found any lucrative corporate sponsorship opportunities. An accusation Dean Spliff vehemently denies “We are streamlining our programs to to fit into our new Adobe Partnerships, and currently, Adobe has not introduced sculpture into its CS6 line of products.”

Old timers at SCAD tell SCAD Secrets off the record that the sculpture department phase-out is due in large part to its refusal to develop an online component for the SCAD elearning campus. They point to elearning as the primary source of Dear Leader’s personal wealth, power as well as SCAD’s tremendous financial growth over the past seven years. “We can’t create an online version of our program,” said recently dismissed sculpture chair Mike Angelo, “That is why they are eliminating our department.”

Muffy Milktoast, SCAD’s Institutional Advancement Director denies claims that sculpture online cannot be exactly the same as an on-ground course: “We have managed to squeeze all of our programs into the online space rather comfortably thank-you.”

Ms. Milktoast points to the upcoming launch of SCAD’s new online equestrian program (complete with virtual boarding for students’ horses) as proof that SCAD understands the online learning formula. “Beginning in winter quarter we will launch our online equestrian studies program, and all signs seem to point to its overwhelming success.”

SCAD Secrets will continue to follow this story as it develops.

Dear Leader spoke to the importance of maintaining programs that complement SCAD’s new  Adobe Creative Suite 6 partnership from her porch in the Landings stating, “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it is not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a university of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

SCAD Faculty Contracts to include auditing provision

In addition to increasing the faculty course load from four courses per quarter to five courses per quarter, the 2013-2014 Faculty Contract will now require all faculty to participate in SCADentology Auditing Sessions. Auditing is described by SCAD Human Resources Auditor and ‘Pre-clear’ Madeline Jarndyce as “a process of freeing yourself from unwanted barriers that inhibit your natural abilities to provide service to the university.”

The auditing is hoped to identify and root out subversive people, or “SP’s” as they are called by practitioners of SCADentology, and to free the positive SCADians that live deep within each SCAD Faculty’s inner psyche.

Critics of SCAD’s auditing practice claim that it is nothing more than an authoritative hypnosis which industry insiders claim is dangerous.

Madeline Jarndyce dismisses such accusations as hyperbole, stating “We are helping our faculty by unburdening them of unnecessary blockages that may interfere with their ability to provide our students personalized and individualized attention in a supportive university environment.”

SCAD HR department issued a brief statement addressing privacy concerns raised by new faculty: “Let us be perfectly clear, we will hold everything confessed within the auditing session in the strictest of confidence so that faculty will feel free to be as open and honest as possible— for it is only then that the healing can begin.”

The SCAD Electropsychometer
The SCAD E-Meter measures the mental state of a person, helping the auditor locate areas of SCAD distress or travail so they can be addressed and handled in a session.

The new SCAD E-Meters will be designed by a collaborative course consisting of fibers, graphic design and service design students. Dear Leader will choose the final design which will be manufactured at the Gulfstream center over the winter break.

Dear Leader spoke about healing benefits of auditing from her porch in the Landings, “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies.  All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

SCAD Beats Art Institute, Capella, and Phoenix University to #1 Spot!

Payscale.com announced today that a SCAD degree ranks 1,248 out of 1,248. Which makes it number one (far above the Art Institutes International, Strayer, and Phoenix University) as the worst return on investment among American colleges. Dear Leader was quick to draw attention to SCAD’s newest mention in the national press by holding a small get-together at the Gryphondor Tea Room to celebrate her university’s latest distinction.

“I can’t believe we finally beat the Art Institute!” said SCAD’s newest public relations work-study student Taffy Licoricestick, “I feel so lucky to be part of a university that is number 1 in something!—I just can’t tell you.”

Payscale’s full story can be found here

Known for her impeccable southern-style hospitality, Dear Leader surprised everyone with a command performance by the SCAD drum corps, who entertained revelers throughout the early morning gathering with highlights from Wagner’s ‘The Flying Dutchman.’

The celebration is expected to continue throughout the day, free refreshments and finger food will be provided.

The Gryphondor Tea Room is located directly across the street from Dear Leader’s Armory and the SCAD Welcome Center at 337 Bull Street.

From her porch in the Landings, Dear Leader encouraged all members of the SCAD community to celebrate SCAD’s latest distinction. “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

On the Lighter Side… Dear Leader Takes up Golf!

Dear Leader Golf Pro

At the urging of her son and Appointed Successor, Tik, our Dear Leader recently took up golf. “With the immense burdens of her leadership, many of us in the family and top leadership felt that she needed a break,” Dear Tik observed. And, not surprisingly, she played like an old pro. “It was just amazing, her first time out and she hit eight holes-in-one and two-shot everything else,” said Dear Tik—once known at prep school as “Woody”—admiringly of his Mother, Dear Leader.

Dear Leader relaxes and enjoys a game of golf

But then, why should we be surprised by the inspired perfection of Dear Leader’s first try at golf? Bolstered by the serenity and power of  SCADentology, the science that she discovered and perfected many years ago, just about anything is possible for her. Old timers at SCAD recall fondly how Dear Leader single-handedly saved our beloved school from bankruptcy twenty years ago when she sacrificed an entire fall of Sundays to serve as starting quarterback for the Miami Dolphins.

Proposed SCAD Golf Logo
Proposed SCAD Golf Logo

“She not only won the Super Bowl for them, but she also brought home her $40 million salary to keep SCAD alive,” recalls The Mad Turk, SCAD’s Chief Financial Officer, who was only just a star-struck boy then. Even Dear Leader’s security team was amazed by Dear Leader’s prowess on the course. “She hit balls so far that we barely had time to get an advance team forward to set up parking cones for her golf cart,” marvels Kojak, SCAD’s Director of Security.

[rightquote]She hit balls so far that we barely had time to get an advance team forward to set up parking cones for her golf cart,” marvels Kojak, SCAD’s Director of Security.[/rightquote]

But with her usual modesty, Dear Leader put everyone at ease by pausing after her stunning shots to wait for Dear Tik to catch up and to chat with awed fellow golfers and her coterie.

From her porch in the Landings, Dear Leader encouraged all members of the SCAD community to take up golf. “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies.  All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

Chinese Assist SCAD in Censoring Blog Critical of Dear Leader

SCAD rushes to censor websites Critical of Dear Leader

SCAD’s public relations machine was thrown into full gear Friday when a mystery blog critical of Dear Leader was discovered by staff members close to her holiness.

“This is an emergency—an all hands on deck emergency!” snapped Hyacinth Bucket, SCAD Director of Public Relations, “We must protect the SCAD Brand Promise at all costs! We must protect the SCAD Brand Promise at all costs! We must protect the SCAD Brand Promise at all costs!”

Hyacinth Bucket, SCAD Director of Public Relations
Hyacinth Bucket, SCAD Director of Public Relations

 

Fresh from a trip to visit her Chinese counterpart, Cliquey Karmickle, Director SCAD Networking Services, sprung into action by creating the Great SCAD Firewall which will ban all offending websites from being accessed by SCAD computers. When the Great SCAD Firewall is completed later this week—students, faculty and staff will no longer be able to access any offending blog from a SCAD network— users requests will be redirected to a site of haiku’s written about Dear Leader’s intellectual and business prowess.

SCAD Secrets attempted to contact owners of the offending blog, but as of Saturday night, they have not been seen by family and or loved ones and are presumed to be in hiding.

Dear Leader spoke to the importance of censoring blogs that contradict the ‘SCAD Brand Promise’ from her porch in the Landings, “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a university of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.